10 July 2010

I've moved!

Come follow me at tumblr. It's so cool and I can post pics, videos, music, quotes, and lots of other things.


That is all.

30 June 2010


... or why I really, really, really dislike the Twilight books/movies.

I started writing this on June 29, 2010. I mention this because that marked the eve of Eclipse, the latest in a long line of fake vampires and glorified unhealthy relationships. If you are a habitual reader you will know that I am employed at a movie theatre – spelled ‘re’ cause we’re fancy – and as an employee I get to, on occasion, sit in on a midnight showing. I watch for unruly guests, misframes, and any sound issues.

I did that last night…

For Eclipse…

I curse the day these books were written… and the day they were optioned to be movies.

Now some of you may be saying, “Erin, that is quite harsh. Surely, as a movie critic, you don’t mean that.” And I would agree. It is harsh, but having read the so-called books, and seen the movies, I stand by my statement.

Mainly for the following reasons…
1) It makes girls idolize an unhealthy relationship.
2) It bastardizes the mythology of the vampire.
3) It creates an unhealthy level of obsession.
4) I hate cleaning upholstery.

Now I will be elaborating on these points for a bit before reviewing the movie. For those of you who would like to skip my rant, I’ll leave a large gap to indicate when to continue. For the rest, I continue.

A brief word on unhealthy relationships. If you feel as if your partner is controlling your life, you are in an unhealthy relationship. If you think that you have to stay with your partner because he or she might do something drastic if you leave, you are in an unhealthy relationship. If you find that have lost all contact with family and friends because of your partner, you are in an unhealthy relationship. Now I know it may feel like you are the only two people that matter in the world, but if he doesn’t want you to spend time with your family, it’s not healthy. Sorry. This is a bit of a personal matter for me. I know firsthand what an unhealthy relationship is and I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. So having a popular series of novels idolize this awful situation hits me hard. Edward is controlling. He may not show it explicitly, but he controls every aspect of their “relationship.” He controls how far they go, he controls what friends she had, and she has no say in anything. Of course it’s not just Edward. Take a look at Bella. Edward can never leave her because she’ll kill herself. That is class A psychosis. She has issues that several prescriptions and a few hours of therapy should be able to help. But living with this kind of fear would really hamper their relationship. And then when they are together they don’t care about anyone else. Your family is your rock. You at least can use them for guidance. Bella keeps her relationship secret from her father because “he wouldn’t approve.” Did she ever stop to see why he wouldn’t approve? Sometimes Father really does know best… or Mother… and definitely Sister.

So their relationship is completely unhealthy and yet people want to be them. It just doesn’t make sense to me.

It is strange to create a creature that has no weakness. Vampires, real vampires, have plenty of weaknesses. They burn in the sun, and with they touch silver, or crosses. They are repelled by garlic. And the only way to kill them is a wooden stake through the heart or to completely severe the head. Twilight vampires are not vampires. They have no weakness save ripping them to shreds and lighting them on fire. But that would kill anything. The allure of vampires is that they are dangerous, but there is a downfall – you don’t have a soul. As far as I can tell, Twilight vampires have no downside. You are faster, stronger, prettier, and you can’t die. It loses all effect when you are perfect.

Obsession is not just a stench by Calvin Klein. I know all about obsession and I am probably not the right person to rant about this, but the kind of people that… I just don’t know what to say about this. We sold out of three theaters for the midnight, and I’m sure that we could’ve sold another two if we had the capability. The crowd was rabid, and dirty, but mostly rabid. As soon as the doors were open the swarmed the place. I was in charge of the smallest of the three, but that doesn’t mean they were the nicest. I even had to get authoritative and tell the people to squeeze together to make room. I’ve never had to do that before. We had someone bring in a life-size cardboard cutout and wanted to be seated next to it so she could “watch the movie with Edward.” I mean what is missing from your life that you need to fill it with such drivel? I just don’t understand.

Again, some of you who know me will call that last statement hypocritical. And I probably am. I get obsessed about small things – don’t get me started on The A-Team – but I just don’t understand the allure of Twilight. I really wish someone would explain it to me.

My fourth point is more of a theater joke. After the last movie, I made the comment that I was going to need to re-upholster the seats because of… let’s call it happy fluid. I could not believe how many squeals a heard every time Jacob was on screen. This movie was no different, and this time he was even more shirtless. If that was even possibly.

(OT: Even more shirtless? That makes me think of Robbie Williams’ “Rock DJ” video. You couldn’t get more shirtless than that video.)








Back to the review.

While in box someone asked me what I thought of Eclipse. Even though I hadn’t seen it yet, I told him I thought it was 2 hours too long. I stand by that review.

Eclipse runs 2 hours and 15 minutes of which 2 hours are spent DOING NOTHING!!!!

We end the last movie with Bella choosing Edward over Jacob.

This movie is entirely Bella choosing Edward over Jacob.

I have NEVER seen someone take SOOOO long making a decision before.

The other 15 minutes are okay. There are one of two good lines, some good back story for a couple useless characters, and two fight scenes that if you blink you’ll miss.

This was an unnecessary movie. You could’ve taken the end of the last one, the promising 15 minutes of this one, and the “good” parts of the upcoming Breaking Dawn part 1 and made a decent movie. Of course that would’ve taken away my chance of calling the last movie Breaking Dawn 2: Electric Boogaloo, but I would’ve been okay with that. Listen Summit; don’t waste my time making crappy movies. Oh wait, they are all crappy movies.

I’d give this movie am “Oh please,” but I don’t rate the movies I watch. You’re gonna have to make up your own mind whether or not you are going to see this movie. But I’ll tell you one thing; you will not see me in the theater with you if you do go to this movie. Once was more than enough.

Fiser, OUT!

25 May 2010

Random post about nothing...

Or so...

I have noticed that my posts have been few and far between. I haven't thought to review anything of late. This is going to change.

Now I prefer to review something before anyone else, so you can take my opinions and use them to formulate your own. Because everyone is entitled to my opinion.

But I've been thinking about reviewing older movies that I have seen in awhile, i.e. Starship Troopers. Because I feel that time does something to movies.

I mean, have you watched Starship Troopers recently? Chances are the answer is no. I watched it about a week and a half ago because I saw it on the front page of Hulu and I had recently had a crazy dream that was very Troopers-like and I wanted to really compare the to. It was kinda uncanny, but I won't get too much into that.

The point is... I actually liked the campiness of this movie. When it was brand new, you watched it for pure cinematic value, which it has little. Now you watch it to see why people actually enjoyed this movie. You don't feel as jaded as you do when watching a new movie because you already know how well it did. Any controversy is so far in the past that no one cares anymore. It was very refreshing.

So look for that in a couple weeks... I gotta watch it one more time to make sure I get everything.

Other than that there really isn't any movies that I feel need my snark in review. I mean, I will probably work the Eclipse midnight, so I'll rip that to shreds, but other than that I've got nothing. So look for reviews of movies that you may have forgotten about to float across my blog. I'm hoping to have a ton of fun with this.

Fiser, OUT!
[drops mic]

30 April 2010

A Nightmare on Elm Street (2010)

I don’t pretend to be a non-biased critic. I’m very biased. I often tell people that I watch movies strictly for people in them. After I get that piece over with, then I judge the movie by itself.

Nightmare is no different. I watched this movie (and actually paid $10 to see the midnight showing) purely because of Kyle Gallner. He is quite possibly the best underrated actor out there. He is just really good at his job. Of course, he often plays the same character, but that’s beside the point. Anyways, I’m in love with this man. Blame it on a combination of CSI:NY and the commentary from Haunting in Connecticut. But enough about my love for this man.

The movie itself was… okay. It was very predictable, especially after half of the cast was gone within the first 30 minutes. Oops, sorry. SPOILER ALERT….. people die in a Freddy Krueger movie. That’s kinda like saying Oceans is gonna have water.

Some of it felt like a film school project. Some of it was poorly lit… I mean when it wasn’t supposed to be poorly lit. And a lot of the acting was awful, namely the lead. I had no remorse for this new Nancy. She just kinda alienated me, and she’s the protagonist. I get that she’s a loner and being a loner means you feel for her, but I didn’t feel for her at all. Except that she was in love with Quentin (Kyle). That I totally understand.

I know everyone wants to know how Jackie Earle Haley did as Krueger. He was good. Not as good as Englund, but then again no one can be as good as Englund. Englund IS Freddy. There’s no way around it. But for a secondary choice, Haley did a really good job. He was very creepy and the burn makeup was definitely disgusting.

Some of the one-liners were awful, like Doomsday Arcade (look it up) awful. There is no excuse for a poorly written pun in a horror movie. Wait until the sequel to add in the puns. I realize that this technically is a sequel, but it also is a reimagining and that means some people are being introduced to the series for the first time. Cut the puns to a minimum the first time around.

I was happy that they included the original music. I have an album of scary movie themes, and that is one of my favorites. Right after Exorcist and right before Halloween, which is tied with Poltergeist. So including it really made my night.

So to review, it was okay. It was highly predictable. I’m a shallow person.

Fiser, OUT!
[drops mic]

05 March 2010

“Beware the Jabberwock, my son!
The jaws that bite, the claws that catch!”

I come to this movie with expectations, which generally is bad. I have found that if you expect a movie to be awesome, it will sorely disappoint. Take Wolfman; I really thought it could’ve been epic, but sadly it was not.

Now Alice has a great director, a stellar cast (both live action and voice), and is based around one of my all-time favorite books (okay, 2 books, but really who else knows that it’s 2 books). It’s full of Britishy type people doing Britishy type things, and I am an Anglophile. It’s set in Victorian England and has that whole vibe. It basically dares you NOT to like this film.

This is almost impossible to do.

I liked Alice. I really liked it; mainly because it talked a lot about the Jabberwock. Jabberwocky is my favorite poem. There is just something about it that is so… special. In the original Disney cartoon, they really didn’t mention the Jabberwock, with the exception of the Cheshire Cat singing the first stanza, so finding that it played a big role… well, I was excited.

Another thing I really like is the fact that a lot of the scenes came straight from the original illustrations. If you have a copy of Through the Looking-Glass, take a look of the picture that accompanies Jabberwocky. The picture is in the film, and moreso it is displayed in real-life by real actors. Well, an actor and some CGI. The tunic the rabbit wears when he is a page is straight from the book. The movie is mostly very faithful to the book. And that's rare these days.

Now, I watched the 2D version. I’m not saying that there is anything wrong with 3D, though I could only really tell it was made for 3D during the final battle, but I will always choose 2D over 3D. This is for a couple reasons. One, 3D gives me headaches, and I can’t enjoy a movie if I can’t watch the movie because it pains me to watch. There is something with the polarization and my nearsighted astigmatism that doesn’t blend. Two, at my theater 2D is still on reels, and therefore I needed to check for misframes and sound hiccups. Just a side note, if you are watching the 2D version at the Marcus Cinema in La Crosse, there is a bend in the film in the very beginning. It’s not over anything important and it only lasts a snap, but it is very noticeable. So I watched the 2D and enjoyed it very much.

It is a gorgeous movie. Maybe not Avatar gorgeous, but beautiful nonetheless. The costumes are magnificent and the casting is great. Some of the special effects bothered me, mainly the Red Queen’s head and the Knave’s legs. I know it was supposed to seem off, but it just looked wrong some of the times. I can’t really explain it more than it looked wrong.

That was another thing. In the books, the Knave is the Queen’s son. Knave = Prince and whatnot. But in the movie the Knave is kinda the Queen’s boy toy. It was kinda weird.

And while I’m on a tangent, the icky guy in the beginning that wants to marry Alice reminded me of my friend’s ex-boyfriend/current roommate. I mean he looked exactly like him, except for the red hair. That is all I wanted to say about that.

Okay, I’m running out of things to say.

To recap, the story is good. The cast and crew are good. The film is beautiful. The SFX are off-putting. And the Jabberwock is featured. Overall, I really enjoyed this movie. I know that it will do well, and deservingly so.

I don’t have a star/rating system, so be your own judge.


Fiser, OUT!
[drops mic]

12 February 2010


I'd like to start by saying, "I LOVE MY JOB!!"

I just got to watch Wolfman before it's open. I was "watching for miss frames." Basically I got to watch the movie, by myself, and make sure it was put together correctly.

I love my job.

First, what exactly do I know about this movie. Well, watching it didn't really expand my mind. I wrote this next paragraph before I watched. It's pretty much spot on, with just a few tweaks.

What do I know about this movie? Well, Benicio del Toro plays Wolfie, which is quite possibly type-casting. Then again I can't really think of another movie he's been in. Hugo Weaving plays creepy inspector guy who also is a Wolfie and NO that's not a SPOILER because it was in the trailer.* It shouldn't've been there is we weren't supposed to know. Emily Blunt plays damsel... not much of a compelling role, and Sir Hopkins plays Van Helsing. Come one! I am not the only person who caught that connection.

*Weaving's character was not a Wolfie. The thing in the trailer was a creepy boy Wolfie that just happened to look like Weaving. That's just unfortunate. Sorry, but he's a creepy looking person.

Speaking of creepy looking people... EVERYONE (save Emily Blunt) in this movie is creepy looking. It's like they sent out the casting call specifically calling for creepy people. The only person they were missing was the guy that played Tracy in The Tooth Fairy.

So I laughed through the whole movie. Mainly because Jen is hilarious, but also because the movie turned out to be quite ridiculous. It could've been awesome. It could've been an awesome 3-hour movie, but I think they sent it to some hack team of editors who decided that the most important shots of the movie were moon phase montages.

They were everywhere! I know that the moon plays an important role in werewolf movies, but COME ON!! It's like nothing important ever happened the rest of the month so they just fast forwarded.

There were a lot of jump cuts to nothing. One scene had BdT and Miss Blunt sharing a moment by a waterfall. He "hears" distant horses. Cut to horses coming up the drive and he is ALREADY THERE!! How is he possibly that fast?

And that was another thing. I'm sorry, but BdT is not attractive. How did he end up as the romantic lead? I know, ugly people need love too (I know that better than most) but seriously... stick to the uggo crazy roles you're good at.

And don't get me started on hats...

I'm off topic.

I had high expectations for this movie. I need to learn to never have high expectations for a movie. They always let me down. This could've been epic, like Dracula. Okay, so Dracula wasn't a perfect movie, but I at least thought it was brilliantly made. This could've been epic, but in the end it was not.

So should you watch it? Well... I'm not one to tell people that they need to see a movie. Unless it's Ironman. Go see Ironman. This movie... watch it if you've exhausted all choices except Valentine's Day. Definitely watch this before that puke-fest of a movie.

01 February 2010

very mindless...

Some days I just like to sit on the computer and think about what might have been. Oh, big SPOILER alert. This post may end up on the depressing side.

I have had so many people tell me just how much potential they see in me. They tell me that I'm very creative and so full of ideas and so wonderful for being so full of ideas. They tell me that they hate seeing me not do anything with my life because I do have so much potential. I would like to agree with them that I do, but for some reason I don't agree.

If I had so much potential, then why am I living like I am? Why am I not famous yet because they way people paint me, I should be doing something with me life. Instead I'm living with my sister, failing to pay bills, and working 2 part time jobs; one of which I hate. I shouldn't be living like this if I have so much potential.

Tell me I'm wrong.

My biggest problem is me. I have no drive. I really wish there was something in my life I would do anything for. I don't have that. Honestly, I remember in school (now I'm talking way back in high school and middle school even) whenever we were told to "imagine yourself in 10 years" I had nothing. I couldn't do it. "Imagine yourself in 10 years..." I would be 10 years older, and .... that's about as far as I got.

Why am I thinking about this right now? I'll tell you. I just watched the series finale of Dollhouse. It really doesn't have any correlation, but it kinda does. The reason is that Joss Whedon is like my hero. It's safe to say that. He writes like I do, at least I like to think that I write like him. His shows speak to me in a way that no other show has, and it's because the things the people say are things that I would say. His characters, albeit much more detailed, are like characters I would think up. Though I am a bit more on the morbid side. Then again, he has one foot firmly in the morbid side.

Anyways, I have today off of work, and I had goals that I set out to do. Am I going to do them? It's up in the air.

I've lost my train of thought.

[Fiser, OUT!]