30 June 2010


... or why I really, really, really dislike the Twilight books/movies.

I started writing this on June 29, 2010. I mention this because that marked the eve of Eclipse, the latest in a long line of fake vampires and glorified unhealthy relationships. If you are a habitual reader you will know that I am employed at a movie theatre – spelled ‘re’ cause we’re fancy – and as an employee I get to, on occasion, sit in on a midnight showing. I watch for unruly guests, misframes, and any sound issues.

I did that last night…

For Eclipse…

I curse the day these books were written… and the day they were optioned to be movies.

Now some of you may be saying, “Erin, that is quite harsh. Surely, as a movie critic, you don’t mean that.” And I would agree. It is harsh, but having read the so-called books, and seen the movies, I stand by my statement.

Mainly for the following reasons…
1) It makes girls idolize an unhealthy relationship.
2) It bastardizes the mythology of the vampire.
3) It creates an unhealthy level of obsession.
4) I hate cleaning upholstery.

Now I will be elaborating on these points for a bit before reviewing the movie. For those of you who would like to skip my rant, I’ll leave a large gap to indicate when to continue. For the rest, I continue.

A brief word on unhealthy relationships. If you feel as if your partner is controlling your life, you are in an unhealthy relationship. If you think that you have to stay with your partner because he or she might do something drastic if you leave, you are in an unhealthy relationship. If you find that have lost all contact with family and friends because of your partner, you are in an unhealthy relationship. Now I know it may feel like you are the only two people that matter in the world, but if he doesn’t want you to spend time with your family, it’s not healthy. Sorry. This is a bit of a personal matter for me. I know firsthand what an unhealthy relationship is and I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. So having a popular series of novels idolize this awful situation hits me hard. Edward is controlling. He may not show it explicitly, but he controls every aspect of their “relationship.” He controls how far they go, he controls what friends she had, and she has no say in anything. Of course it’s not just Edward. Take a look at Bella. Edward can never leave her because she’ll kill herself. That is class A psychosis. She has issues that several prescriptions and a few hours of therapy should be able to help. But living with this kind of fear would really hamper their relationship. And then when they are together they don’t care about anyone else. Your family is your rock. You at least can use them for guidance. Bella keeps her relationship secret from her father because “he wouldn’t approve.” Did she ever stop to see why he wouldn’t approve? Sometimes Father really does know best… or Mother… and definitely Sister.

So their relationship is completely unhealthy and yet people want to be them. It just doesn’t make sense to me.

It is strange to create a creature that has no weakness. Vampires, real vampires, have plenty of weaknesses. They burn in the sun, and with they touch silver, or crosses. They are repelled by garlic. And the only way to kill them is a wooden stake through the heart or to completely severe the head. Twilight vampires are not vampires. They have no weakness save ripping them to shreds and lighting them on fire. But that would kill anything. The allure of vampires is that they are dangerous, but there is a downfall – you don’t have a soul. As far as I can tell, Twilight vampires have no downside. You are faster, stronger, prettier, and you can’t die. It loses all effect when you are perfect.

Obsession is not just a stench by Calvin Klein. I know all about obsession and I am probably not the right person to rant about this, but the kind of people that… I just don’t know what to say about this. We sold out of three theaters for the midnight, and I’m sure that we could’ve sold another two if we had the capability. The crowd was rabid, and dirty, but mostly rabid. As soon as the doors were open the swarmed the place. I was in charge of the smallest of the three, but that doesn’t mean they were the nicest. I even had to get authoritative and tell the people to squeeze together to make room. I’ve never had to do that before. We had someone bring in a life-size cardboard cutout and wanted to be seated next to it so she could “watch the movie with Edward.” I mean what is missing from your life that you need to fill it with such drivel? I just don’t understand.

Again, some of you who know me will call that last statement hypocritical. And I probably am. I get obsessed about small things – don’t get me started on The A-Team – but I just don’t understand the allure of Twilight. I really wish someone would explain it to me.

My fourth point is more of a theater joke. After the last movie, I made the comment that I was going to need to re-upholster the seats because of… let’s call it happy fluid. I could not believe how many squeals a heard every time Jacob was on screen. This movie was no different, and this time he was even more shirtless. If that was even possibly.

(OT: Even more shirtless? That makes me think of Robbie Williams’ “Rock DJ” video. You couldn’t get more shirtless than that video.)








Back to the review.

While in box someone asked me what I thought of Eclipse. Even though I hadn’t seen it yet, I told him I thought it was 2 hours too long. I stand by that review.

Eclipse runs 2 hours and 15 minutes of which 2 hours are spent DOING NOTHING!!!!

We end the last movie with Bella choosing Edward over Jacob.

This movie is entirely Bella choosing Edward over Jacob.

I have NEVER seen someone take SOOOO long making a decision before.

The other 15 minutes are okay. There are one of two good lines, some good back story for a couple useless characters, and two fight scenes that if you blink you’ll miss.

This was an unnecessary movie. You could’ve taken the end of the last one, the promising 15 minutes of this one, and the “good” parts of the upcoming Breaking Dawn part 1 and made a decent movie. Of course that would’ve taken away my chance of calling the last movie Breaking Dawn 2: Electric Boogaloo, but I would’ve been okay with that. Listen Summit; don’t waste my time making crappy movies. Oh wait, they are all crappy movies.

I’d give this movie am “Oh please,” but I don’t rate the movies I watch. You’re gonna have to make up your own mind whether or not you are going to see this movie. But I’ll tell you one thing; you will not see me in the theater with you if you do go to this movie. Once was more than enough.

Fiser, OUT!